NOMS MACHINE
I can't believe that the little Blue Elf is in strict competition with me and my Noms. Just this morning he has tried to share MY NOMS! He is obviously used to 'many munches' in a bowl all together and I didn't want him to eat my Noms but couldn't help myself about letting him taste my fish buttons, sometimes I can be gracious!  Yesterday, I was terrified of him because he really does make different sounds to us here, a sort of high whine and some chirrupy stuff, it was unnerving to my ears and sent me running every time he came close. Today though, the little blue eating machine greeted me with his tail up by the kitchen door and I accidentally licked him - well he smelled of kitten kibble!He is now playing happily with Lillibet, albeit some parts of the game include intense Thwakking! Lillibet, being two months older is taller and much longer than Otello and where Otello is beautifully plush, Lillibet is all spiky and muscular! They get on well, but won't sleep, so Momma has to separate them and put them to bed for a nap. Even though the clocks have gone forward, it seems that getting up at 6am (new time) is taking it's toll on the Parentals and I sure one of them may take a nap soon too!  Bagsy the blankie!

In the meantime, there is a distinct smell of roast Pork today and all the crackling the works. I have been busy kitten sitting and hadn't really noticed that it had been carved. I take my place on the sofa next to Momma on the blankie and proceed to purr and purr until she relents and gives me a tiny piece of the piggy! Just for good measure, I lay my tail in her gravy to get an extra snack but not before slapping around the face with it for good measure! Of which I have a tail AND a face to lick. ManSlave looks upon us with disgust and shakes his head.  Whilst he has his eyes half shut with the shaking of his head and the 'tutting' I race over and pinch his crackling! "SLINKY" ManSLave shouts as a I run and chew, it was worth the slapped arse! 

KS =^..^= 

ELVES HAVE ARRIVED AT MAYSTAR

I am not sure exactly what has been going on in the last week, but Momma & ManSlave vanished to a very cold place called Poland and brought back a small blue kitten in a blue elf suit with a little 'Orb' stitched into his hat!  He is apparently a BlueSun Polski boy. I have had a small sniff and now he has been ushered into the kitten room for a few weeks quarantine apparently, so that means my Noms will be safe from a new someone pinching my share of fish buttons!  Lillibet & Faith want to Mother him already and have tried to break into the kitten room with Faith hanging on the door handle and Lillibet pushing the half door, which she doesn't know is locked!!! 

We keep hearing that his name is Otello, it's an unusual name and comes from the Opera not a miss-spelled Shakespeare play. Of course, you are always given birth names but sometimes you get called something else instead.  Remember I was born 'Trouble' and Momma changed it to Slinky and King to boot.  So you never know, this little blue elf may end up with a few pet names along the way!

I can now see another ton of kitten food being hauled into the kitten room, I have YAWPED and YAWPED trying to get in, but as per usual, the Noms just vanishes and nothing is coming out but little sacks of litter... here we go again. Kittens get everything!  What is going on in my world? YAWP.

KS =^..^=

ALL TOO QUIET

There is definitely something afoot, or should I say a-pawed? The house is quiet, the Parentals are busy, things are happening in the 'Kitten Room'. For example, it's had a wash and brush up and spruced around the edges... yes, something is strangely going on.  Of course, I am the only one to notice that bags were packed days ago and there is an air of business about the place and Uncle Paul has been around for a visit.  In my mind that dictates a night or so away for the Parentals, but what's with the cleaning?

Well, I can't worry about it, I am sure things will be revealed in due course and I have better fish to fry than wonder what the heck is going on!  For example, I have noticed of late that I am only getting a set amount of Noms, it seems to be measured out exactly now.  I am not sure why, but I have an inkling it's to do with starving me until I submit and purr more... I will give it a try, it isn't hard to perform a rumble on request for anyone holding the door to my food domain open.  That Lillibet is getting in on my kibble action though and this is becoming stressful, she has a whole bowl of her kibble that she eats all day and is let in and out of her little box AND she has access to a secret supply in the kitten room where only her and Faith can squeeze through the tiny door into a secret food store.... then, THEN they have the audacity to sprinkle MY noms on the floor at night for us to share.  It's not on you know, I am running low already and only have 5k left.  If I have to share my fish buttons with her, I may get through that much quicker than expected and Momma may not notice and forget to re-order. ::Paw on forehead:: Woe is me.  YAWP!

Occasionally, this week, the noms at lunch has been late or non existent, I don't know what's up with these Parentals, they are slacking.  I can't see why they can't employ Uncle Paul to feed us at lunchtime if they can't be bothered to turn up.  I really miss my snack and by the time anyone decides to come home and feed us, I am nearly expired with worry that I may starve.  A cat can't survive on just 2 meals a day you know! Get your acts together, or we will raid your fridge!

KS =^..^=

TAKING A BEATING

Mr.Zeus is such a happy boy at the moment, he is skipping about the place, playing with Lillibet and Faith and sometimes I could Thwak that skip right out of him!  Momma and ManSlave say 'aw, isn't he sweet, like a little kitten again.' But I see him as a threat to my harem.  He is stealing my women and making out with Faith at the top of the stairs, in secret!  Well, I won't stand for it.  He walks past me with an air of authority about him and swishes his long luxurious tail in my face and I just want to eat him and his fluffy tail.  For one, what him and Faith get up to is quite disgusting... they are half Brother & Sister, it's incest! It makes my stomach churn, but I guess she is a proper little harlot and the poor boy doesn't really know what he is doing, never having been an 'actual' Stud Cat! I suppose there is no harm in it really. It stops that little minx from sitting on my head and waking me up from a tasty dream about a little Lilac queen who is fanning me with a palm branch and feeding me dried fish flakes and smoking catnip roll ups, me not her!!!

Well, a boy can dream can't he? Lillibet will be of age soon, she sure does smell good.  I can wash her and nibble her all over and Faith sits there with her eyes glowing at me, but if I try it on her she just gets narky and beats up Lillibet. Well, when I say beat up, it's more of a subtle look and a bite to the head and a bit of Thwakking.  It annoys me though when Faith sits on my head that I get mad and bite her hard on the bum, that usually ends in her writhing all over the floor and at least away from my head.  Sometimes I kiss her all over, but I have to be in a really good mood for that.  These women have to remember that Momma is my first love and all they are doing is distracting me from what I really want - Momma Love twenty four seven! But... they are still MY women first!

So I sit here, on my paws, otherwise some unsuspecting SecurityCat is gonna get another Thwakking as he skips by on three legs waving his plume like Pepi LePue. Don't push it Mr.Zeus and certainly don't do that little growling thingy right in front of me, because as you lift your nose in the air to skip away... your throat looks mighty vulnerable!KS =^..^=

SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD

It has to be said that this week my Licker has gotten me into terrible trouble.  The Parentals have left out morsels of edible and non edible things for me to try out my taste buds on.  

On Monday I had me some grated carrot.  Lillibet was so entertained by the carrot strips that Momma gave her a few to play with and I was there to catch them, mouth open, as she tossed them into the air or patted them along the floor.  They were refreshing and I can now see a little better too!  

On Tuesday I begged and begged at ManSlaves plate for a taste of his Chicken Piri Piri.  I wished I hadn't now, because he dipped his finger in the homemade sauce and WOWZERS it was hot! Note to self.... do NOT lick your bum!

On Wednesday I found an escaped ice cube that had rattled out of the freezer compartment, it was a great game following it around the floor and making wet trails all over the kitchen.  It finally lay exasperated in a heap and melted away, where upon a few moments later ManSlave enters stage left and steps in it and it seeps through his sock! He said something unmentionable!

Thursday came and went with not many things to set my Licker upon, it felt redundant and useless so I put it to work cleaning 'bits' of this and that from the carpet that the vacuum had missed. Mmmm, I found a shriveled up piece of carrot from Monday under the washing machine too, bonus! I even did a tour of the fish tank lids and licked off all the fish food that had melted onto the glass near the feed hole, they were all spotless when I was done. Momma should be pleased I thought, but she wasn't impressed, I don't get it?

Friday was a busy day, ManSlave had been in the attic and there were copious amounts of fluff and tundra that fell from the big black hole and Faith was determined that she could climb the ladder and escape to freedom, she changed her mind and stood at the top screaming for Momma to come and get her, it was dark up there and ManSlave only had a torch enough for one. I had to use my licker to wash her all over because she was scared and it settled her nerves.  She always tastes sweet and soft. Bubba Lish Baby Delicious.

On Saturday, Momma purchased some avocado soap for her face, it's full of vitamin E and apparently good for you.  First I licked it and then I bit down really hard because it smelled so good and as you know, us Felines eat by smell. My mouth started to foam and the suds mounted up - I opened my mouth to Yawp but a big bubble came out instead and drifted away, it drifted to ManSlave who thought... 'Ohhh bubbles' and popped it. Trapped inside was my YAWP and it nearly deafened him! I was caught then, 'red pawed', mouth full of green soap and looking very sorry for my self.

Today is Sunday, I know this as late last night a little piece of Welsh Lamb was anointed in garlic, acasia honey and salt and put in the fridge to 'meld'.  Today will be it's cooking day, the oven has gone onto a cool oven and it will be slow cooked for a few hours and tease my taste buds.  My Licker is feeling better after yesterdays avocado soap fest and I am limbering up for a taste of that special smell any time soon. The light is on, I am on full alert and will notify the Parentals when I think it's ready for testing. Wish me luck.

KS =^..^=

VENTING MY FRUSTRATIONS
The Orb has finally made an appearance this week, it has made all my hard work and effort Orb Worshiping all the more worthwhile.  It has been aided by a little piece of Calcite or Iceland Spa.  For those following the news, a big chunk was discovered in an Elizabethan ship, scientists think that the Vikings used it to depict where the Orb was on an Orb Cover day! For goodness sakes, these scientists are behind the times you know, we have a heart shaped piece of Calcite sitting in my favourite Orb Worshiping spot and each day I move around following the birefringence, which splits light beams in a way that can reveal the direction of my precious Orb Rays with a high degree of accuracy. Who needs scientists when you have Momma Sloth and her magical rocks.

Talking of rocks, I couldn't believe my huge ears when I filtered some profound information on what humans are going to do under the sea. I mean I am partial to a bit of fish and I find it hard to believe that more scientists are going to scour our sea beds for mineral deposits and destroy million year old hydrothermal vents for some copper and other minerals.  This could could prove catastrophic for seabed ecology and the fish I eat. They could be choked by silts and dust making the oceans dirty and raped of all it's nutrients.  I think that Huge Fernley-Whittingstall has a point in this Fish Fight thing... Fish should fight for their rights and I for one will be keeping a close eye on the travesty of our Governments race for power in the sea mineral expedition.  It breaks my heart to know that they only just found these million year old vents, now some sucker wants to make a million destroying them with their 'benign' methods of 'Dredging'. Time will tell as will my empty bowl of fish flakes. Billions and billions of tiny creatures will lose their hi-rise vented apartments and what do they get for it? Being able to watch their magnificent world fall apart. I don't envy those shrimps or the tube worms, they had better start packing their tiny bags and get the hell out of there before they loose everything!

KS =^..^=

THE OFFICE CAT
It takes a very special sort of cat to be an Office Cat.  You have to have patience, willing and a feline flourish when it comes to the filing.  Most of the time, us Office Cats look like we are dozing, but we are the essential hard drive (HD), random access memory (RAM) and cache needed to keep the place running.  We are taking on board thousands of terabytes per second whilst displaying and outwardly serene composure.  It is hard work processing that many instructions from our databases.  What you see, the human, is a sleeping lazy cat, laying in amongst the files and paperwork... what we are, is honed specialists in data manipulation. 

This picture is a fine example of Office Cat topology. We are connected to both the shredder and other peripheral devices within the office even whilst in stand-by mode.  Should a co-worker use any of these devices, it is our job to make sure that product is suitable for use.  Mr.Zeus must do a SecurityCat check and more importantly, a risk assessment.  The shredder is a fine example of this.  It takes Mr.Zeus all of 3.2secs to don his fluorescents and check every component from plug to button, then once he has deemed the device safe for use, Faith is waiting in the wings for her random quality checks. "When the shredder is working, hard hats must be worn." says Mr.Zeus. But Faith is in there already, paws deep, dragging out the shredded paper to make sure all bank account details are destroyed, she promptly devours any important printed text and spits out any that are irrelevant. She is a honed device all of her own that one and a real asset to the business.

When you see a cat sitting on paperwork, to the untrained eye, it is just a cat sitting on paperwork.  But to an Office Cat we are providing one of the most beneficial services known in today’s technology - scan to email and scan to file. Our document management system is totally unique. Take a closer look at the way we scan the page.

1. sit on said document.
2.Open the '3rd eye'
3. move slowly along the page (pretend you are washing)
4.Use Optical Character Recognition (OCR) to turn into usable data 
5. Transfer data to the HD.

Of course, to the casual observer, nothing is happening... but check out the eyes and you are sure to see a data stream passing accross them at rapid speeds. 

Should we fail in any area of our important positions, then we are entitled to time out and a re-boot to our over worked servers are usually in order.  It's no good overworking our parameters which will only result in chip overload or meltdown.  That's when it's time to take five on top of the printer to resume normal function!

KS =^..^=

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE?

Remember a few posts back when I was meant to pee in a pink litter tray full of plastic beads? Well, in short, it never happened.  Momma tried to confine me to a small pen with just me and the tray, but I refused to entertain her with a sample for her 'Tinkle Test'.  I had forgotten all about it in fact and thought, WOW that was an easy get out of... just don't go!

It's been a few weeks, the CatPod has been made available for forays out on nice days in the Orbs rays, warming our bodies and reminding us of what is to come our way in the way of a nice Summer? I was sitting outside, contemplating and watching the birdies feed when the urge to tinkle came over me and off I trotted to the cat tray where I shuffled the quality fullers earth to my liking and poked my pinky into the pre-dug dip and proceeded to pee.

OMC! What the heck are you doing? I made a noise between a YAWP and a moan because I was in mid flow when Momma plonks a tiny Spode plate beneath my pinky to catch a specimen of my yellow stuff. I can't help it, I am still piddling and close my eyes making this awful sound, I am turning pink with embarrassment. The audacity of this woman is beyond me. Is there no privacy in this world?  If it's not kittens peeking at you in the kitty litter then it's this mad deranged middle aged woman with ideas above her station about how to attain a urine sample when I have clearly stated that it was a no go area! As i have mentioned before, what's in it for me? As far as I can see, only the shame and berating from my peers is what's in it for me.  

When I finally finish and leave her with a mini plate of tepid liquid, I do a circuit of the house, screaming and YAWPING like I have been set on fire... I am on fire, I am enraged and shout and holler for a good 20mins to make sure everyone knows what travesty has been bestowed on me.  Momma whisks said sample to the vets, it tested and she arrives home with a look.... She lifts me up, looks me in the eye, plants a kiss on my forehed and says "you are all clear Slinky".  That's what's in it for me, a kiss and a cuddle. So it was worth all the shame after all.

KS =^..^=

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
Now I can honestly say that when Momma first returned home from looking after a number of Selkirk Rex this weekend I was a little miffed.  It all started on Friday night when unceremoniously, I was dumped from a warm lap so that Momma could go and 'do her duty'.  When she came home, I was a bit miffed because she smelled like boy cats.  Oh no, not boy cats I thought, where is this going?  But as she stripped down to her thermal undies I got me a whiff of lady cat on the leg of her trousers.  I thought, oh yes, this one smells pretty!  She smells all silvery and sweet and very very pure. Momma tells me her name is Mabel and that she is a dreamy little soul.  I went for a nap and dreamed of this little piece of fluff sitting on my head.

These Selkirks must be big cats, they smell big.  When Momma came home this morning I did HISS and GROWL at her.  Seriously, I don't know what came over me?  I have never in all my life GROWLED at Momma.  She was taken aback, I could see it in her eyes, she was a little nervous of me for a second or two because I have never ever made this noise before to her. I felt really bad, but couldn't help it.  After she showered and changed I was OK again and gave her lots of fuss in case she was thinking I didn't love her anymore and I also wasn't to be fed at tea time!  In amongst all the smells today was one of my favourites, Roast Pork from a little Gloucestershire Old Spot.  Sure was yummy.  Had me a little piece of that in my dish.  I always get a little piece if I am good and I think I must have deserved it as I didn't even YAWP! (told you I felt bad about the GROWLING)

KS =^..^=