THE TELLING OF FUNNY JOKES

It all started when Mr.Zeus and I were confined to the kitchen for a few days, we were chatting about TomFun and how he is being held up in the coldest room in the house, the Bathroom!

The little room is above the garage you see and it often drops to 20degrees, so in a way it is preparing him for 'shedlife' we said.  We were discussing the ins and outs of his torture and I said to Mr.Zeus "What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?"  Ummm, I dunno says Mr.Zeus with a furrowed brow "An eskimew" I retort.  Well, we fell about laughing in that sort of non breathing sort of way, you know the one!

Mr.Zeus, not to be outdone came out with, "I bet they are feeding him Mice Crispies for hims breakfast".  That was it, paws over our mouths, sniggering like buffoons.  "If it was a hot bathroom" I said "He may want a Mice Cream Cone". That was it, Mr.Zeus was holding his rotund tummy and letting out raucous laughter, barely able to breath! It was hillarious and we just went on and on until our sides split and we couldn't control our muscles in our stomaches any more and we lay like a pair of washed out rags, heaving every so often to get a breath. I know it perhaps doesn't seem funny now, I guess you really had to be there!

KS =^..^=

ALL EARS

With thirty-two individual muscles in one ear alone I can hear that the kittens have been let loose in the main house. 

Being a cat, I can listen with both ears to different sounds, so I can hear kittens racing around trying out new things in the lounge as well as concentrate my other ear on what might be on offer in the kitchen!  Anyone watching me might think that I have some sort of headache as one ear is focused forward and the other twisted backwards towards chopping and stirring sounds coming from the kitchen. 

Since these little beasts have been let loose, the house hasn't been the same. Nowhere is safe from the marauding miniature felines and the thundering of tiny paws up and down the laminate causing everything in their wake to tremor with aftershock.

Being a Sunday today, I thought there might have been a little smidgen of chicken for us all, especially me because I have been YAWPING since the morning when I first saw that chook head for the oven.  Alas, there is nothing because the Parentals added chilli to the illustrious featherless beast to devoid us of a tasty treat.  I would obviously still eat the chilli chicken, no problem there, but I don't want to add to my already delicate constitution.  So, ears at the ready for snippets of useful information, dropped morsels or a chance to rule over the minicats!

KS =^..^=

SICKNESS IS ALL IN THE HEAD

Well it has been the very worst week I have ever had health wise.  If only I had kept my licker in my head, I wouldn't have experienced the terrible things that have overtaken my body. One night whilst tucked up next to Momma in my special pink blankie I stole from Faith, I had a terrible pain and let out an almighty YAWP and didn't have time to ask to be let out of the bedroom, so I dashed for the shower tray and faced the corner and out it all came like an explosion.  I am such a good boy and so thoughtful to have made my icky-ness somewhere bleachable!  I was very pink and embarrassed when Momma came in to rescue me and tuck me back into bed with a kiss and a love.

It did take me back, being in that shower tray again, about 12 months ago when I had found me a little bowl of freshly cooked pumpkin seeds, they had just been tossed in salt and looked and smelled so tasty that I had me a little nibble - well, you can never stop at just one can you?  It wasn't for two days that the pumpkin seeds took effect on my system and in the middle of the night I felt a little queezy.  Momma was awake like a flash and raced me into the shower tray, the shower door was unusually shut so I was slammed into the bi-fold, head first to let out my snack.  It was like a the scene from Witches of Eastwick with the cherries!  That shower tray sure does take a bashing!


Yet again, my mind stumbles to May this year when I had, unbeknown to anyone, eaten a whole piece of kitchen towel that had been left out soaking up fat from the minigrill.  Well once you lick that stuff it's like velcro and I couldn't get it off my tongue and down the hatch it went.  It wasn't for a whole 10 days that it reappeared and what an unfortunate day that was for ManSlave!
I had been 'off colour' so was confined to the Parentals bedroom for a rest and a monitoring.  I was still eating of course, so nothing serious!  Well ManSlave was on cat duty as Momma had taken Faith to a show and he was left strict instructions to amounts of food I was allowed and he was good at checking in on me and calling Momma for updates.  Well around midday, he came in and checked on me, he wrinkled his nose, I had been in the tray!  He saw what looked like cat biscuits on the floor and bend down to 'collect' them up - they weren't cat biscuits let me tell you!  He then saw a big long cigar on the floor, all wrapped up like a Havana, but it certainly wasn't a Cheroot either!  Then he caught sight of the cream bedding, the cream walls, the window, the floor and ME! We were all covered in a rich chocolate coating where I had used my artistic talents and decorated the walls and windows of their bedroom and not to mention myself with the cigar!  It was a real bugger to dislodge a rolled up kitchen paper from ones butt when you only have paws so as all cats do, turn to centrifugal force to remove foreign objects!


ManSlave was less than amused and made a grab for me from on top of the wardrobe and preceded to run me a bath where he de-flowered me in a most miserable fashion of scrubbing in all those places a ManSlave just shouldn't have to scrub.  I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or him!  It took ManSlave the best part of two hours to clean the room and strip everything back and wash everything down.  He was meant to be having a relaxing Caturday - Think again ManSlave, I am planning my next caper!

KS =^..^=

SHED A LITTLE LIGHT ON THINGS

It occurs to me that that ManSlave is not just building the bachelor pad for his best friend, but also for himself! You see, I believe a ManSlave requires a shed like a Momma needs a handbag! The two things go together. A secret place for storing all sorts of useless pieces of junk!

So to TomFun and ManSlave, the shed will be their 'cave': a refuge where their time together will stand still, a sanctuary where they can commune together, beyond the tyranny of Momma's yawping, before reemerging into the fray of the real world. Although, TomFun sure does bring your senses into the real world with his pheromones.


TomFun is entertaining a lady friend currently, she is helping him adapt to being a 'stud boy'.  She has battered him, swatted him, yawped at him, thwakked him copiously and eaten all his noms - I reckon he had better get his talking head on and not his bonking head, because she just thinks he is some sort of jumped up squirt that she has been very annoyingly housed with.  Well I say housed, they are residing in our main bathroom, gone are the Parentals relaxing autumn baths after a day of shed building and gone are the lazy evenings of candles, jacuzzi bubbles and scented water, the only scented water that is being run, is the pungent stench of TCP. That's Tom Cats Piddle to you and me!

The talk of 'not long' and 'really soon, weather permitting' has now turned to 'He's gotta go, it smells like a cats urinal'.  Both him and his live in lover have peed so much that they have worked their way through a box of the most expensive cat litter in some sort of competition to who stinks the most.  At least they are doing in said litter and not in their bedding.  Occasionally, TomFun is getting carried away and uses the food dish instead of the litter tray. I could YAWP at the waste of good food, if he continues this habit, I shall be out of noms before the Winter sets in and that makes me nervous! YAWP!

KS =^..^=

WANT WHAT I WANT

Although I know I am loved, there is something I know I can't compete with and that is kittens!

Jasmine & James had their first visit from their new Parents today.  They had loads of gifts and love showered on them and we all know that they will be safe and happy in their new life.  But this does still leave me with the thoughts that although I was patted and fussed, there was something missing and I don't want to sound rude and ungrateful, but I love catnip and fancied me some of that penguin action. (pictured above).  Jas & Jamie's new folks did bring us boys lots of treats and we will work our way through them eventually... but my heart WANTS that penguin!  I have my sights set on him now and am working out a plan to get him.

You see, Faith was also brought a present, a pink blanket which was gloriously placed in the kittens bed that night for them all to snuggle into, so I threw a sickie and made it so that I had to have the pink blankie for myself to snuggle into.  The sickie even got me space next to Momma in bed whilst ManSLave hung out over the edge of his side, Momma, me and the pink blankie were both warm and comfy.  Stage one secured!

Day two:- Still peeky, can only eat special chicken broth that Momma is making for me, still wrapped in said blankie. I was able to get up and stroll about and eyed me THAT penguin on the bed and James was playing with it!

Day three: Sleeping in my own bed, next to Momma in her bed, with her arm in my bed comforting me and the blankie.  I am dreaming of the penguin! I get up and wander into the en-suit for a tinkle and a drink.  I am followed by Momma with a worried look on her face.  I have a Slinky lump in my tummy.  I think she knows it could be the missing lamb knuckle that I stole from TomFun.  This and the LemonFool on the spoon could be the reason I feel peeky - but I know that I am getting closer to the penguin!

Day four:- I relent, I have to eat properly as Momma gave me more medication and more sticky brown stuff that is making my lump move about a bit.  After all I can eat and use the loo, so I don't get to visit the vet just yet and I still have to work out how to get that little black and white dude away from James.... Still plotting, but starving myself is getting me nowhere but very very hungry.

I was chatting to Faith through the door gap and then she swung on the door handle (she does this at 4am most mornings!) and opened the door.  Out she trotted, gave me a quick peck and dashed off, this left me looking over the half door.  Oh the dilemma, food or penguin?

I dived over the half door and made my way to the food of course, bypassing the little bird in a tux (I will collect him on the way back).  I tiptoe through sleeping babies and just make the food bowl and a black panther springs from nowhere and beats the stuffing out of me - It's Faith!  She is rampaging at my audacity to be in the same room as her babies.  I flee, tail between my legs and make a grab for the little guy in his tux, but I am thwarted by a 9 week old kitten who is dragging him away by his bobble hat!

I think I am going back to feeling peeky, I still haven't passed said lump and reckon I can milk this for another day until we have to see the vet for the kittens injections! I shall play it cool, but not too ill, I don't want to go early and ruin a good thing!

KS =^..^=

WE LIKE TO BOOGIE

There is a sound not unlike people chatting continually, then blasts of funky music coming from the kitten room.  I think it's the old DAB work radio in action.  ManSlave said that kittens have to learn how to dance and what better way to teach them, by introducing them to a bit of music!  It certainly is doing the trick, it is really getting the tickles out of their toes and the sound of thundering feet as they learn their dance routines is synonymous of 'Strictly Come Dancing.'  I am sure as the door was opened this morning, Lillibet and James were doing an Argentine Tango across the bed, I am sure I spotted a backward ocho, wrap & Lean with sacada atras and a carousel finish.  I can't wait for the Christmas show under the Christmas tree - but not 'up' the tree!.

We now have the sounds of the brass bands playing out for Remembrance Sunday, all kittens are now marching around the scratch post as though it were the cenotaph, laying their toy mice and bits of paper in honor of lost animals of war, it is good to teach them young about their respect and honour. We are all now giving our two minutes silence to remember every one. 

Being a Sunday of course, we do get a decent smell of the Roast and today it is a free range Simmental forerib.  I can taste that smell already as it slowly cooks it's self into a tasty and meaty roast.  The light has gone off in the oven so I can only guess what it looks like as I drift into a dreamy sleep of beef filled air.  Let me tell you, it's a darn sight better smell that TomFuns pheromones!

KS =^..^=

THE PURPOSE OF AIRBAGS
It is a big topic in the house at the moment as we are now starting to smell like a cat sanctuary here in the Maystar House.  TomFun is the only one who seems to think that drops of his 'essential oil' are also essential for all of us too.  Poor Parentals have been washing and cleaning with vinegar and washing powder in all his favourite spots.  Mainly the windowsill in the lounge and the bath, oh yes and ManSlaves socks!

He is determined that his odorant is effectively added to these designated places daily and the effect on all of us is not a pretty sight, we are all lip curling and snearing.  Scientists say that this particular 'attractant' has queens rolling and pawing for more - let me tell you, they must be crazy, this stuff STINKS! It's burning my nostrils.  YAWP

This putative pheromone is said to be aversive to mice and rats, maybe that's why the council rat man 'Keith' hasn't been visiting much of late, TomFun is doing a grand job of keeping the rodents at bay.  His volatile substance is also keeping our visitors away too, although there is talk that there will be a state visit from 'New Kitten Owners'.  Lets hope that they are not going to arrive with a keen sense of smell or we will all be sitting in the garden for dinner and kittens handed out through the window!

Talking of gardens, I cannot even pretend to ignore the chatter of 'Bachelor Pad' being mentioned.  So far, though, I have not had my name mentioned in such matters and feel that maybe being the first in, does not equate to being first out!  TomFun will of course need a friend to be pheromone palls with from day one and although Mr. Zeus has not opted in on his own accord, he has certainly been selected as the 'chosen one'.  It is very important that they go out together and make stinky friends forever from day one.  Lets hope for TomFuns sake he doesn't drive poor Mr. Zeus to distraction and Mr. Zeus allows TomFun to use the bed - I can feel there may have to be two of everything to begin with, they are both so territorial!

I raise a toast to 'AirBags' and my lack of them

TIME TO SAY NO!

There it was, a special catnip mouse made especially for us by Mc Grumpy & Snuffles and they sent some Kitty Marbles for us to taste - turkey ones!  Well, they were all obviously for me and not TomFun, but TomFUn thought they were for him.  We did growl and spit a bit over the Molly Mouse and TomFun got all excited and started bouncing around and trying to steal it.  I was in the process of making it all soggy and wet and he snuck in and took hold of the corner and pulled.  I gave him my biggest YAWP ever and then Thwakked him really hard! "MINE" I shout. "MINE" he shouts and a tug of war ensues.

Well Momma finally intervened and took it away.  TomFun in dispute went and peed in the lounge and on Momma's desk and in the bathroom - twice!  Oh dear, TomFun is no longer a kitten when it comes to losing a tug of war.  He is a big pussy cat with very big air bags!  He didn't only have a fight with me but mounted ManSlaves arm and bit him very badly on his hand whilst gyrating and screaming.  Poor ManSlave, he is loosing his one and only friend to testosterone overload.

So now there is talk of him and Mr.Zeus having a bachelor pad outside with a colour TV, washable chair and beer fridge, oh wait, I am sure it was the boys to go out and not ManSlave!  Well either way, they are to have a home from home that can take any amount of piddling.  TomFun just needs his own place soon and if Mr. Zeus fancies doing his security role out there to keep him company, I could find myself inside with two screaming women!  I am not quite sure what sounds more appealing as when Faith and I am sure, soon Lillibet, will be sitting on my head again and I will wish I was in the bachelor pad with lads!

Oh and just to add to this Sunday Blog.  It seems that the traditional roast dinner went astray today.  ManSlave saw a recipe for something else and it wasn't meat!  I mean, what is Sunday without MEAT!  I will be putting in a complaint to CatLine as I had nothing to YAWP about all day.  It was cruel and uncalled for... role on next Sunday please and don't do it again Parentals or I shall make that phone cal

KS =^..^=